Neglectful for good reasons

Well, fours days after my last post Baby girls arrived! And since then, I've been SAHM full time. She is a bundle of ENERGY, and I keep finding myself saying out loud, "Your brother was NEVER like this." He was easy, calm, go with the flow, stay in one spot and not get into trouble. Baby J is ALWAYS on the go,go, go...and although she's not a terrible baby, she is into EVERYTHING. And much more mobile than her brother was at this age. WHich means I don't get much done, because, oh yeah, unlike her brother, she FIGHTS sleep. Naps are hit and miss.
But all the high-maintenance stuff aside, she is my perfect little pumpkin that wakes with a smile every morning, and gives me new meaning. Love that bug.

Miserable

That's how I'm feeling these days.
I'm dizzy when I stand.
I get restless from laying in bed
BUT I get up for 20 minutes and I feel like I need
a damn nap.
I've had some cramping today.
SO, SO, MISERABLE.
I wish I could just:
Do Laundry
Vacuum
Clean out my son's drawers
pick things up off the floor
go grocery shopping

I miss normalcy.

Off to the Dr. tomorrow. I want her to be healthy, but OMG, this precious little being is about to
KILL ME.

A new beginning

I'm on the edge of transition. One I've been waiting for. For a VERY long time.

The first time I became a mom, well, anyone who is one will tell you, you just can't describe how much love you have for that little being. No words will ever be able to come close to describing the feeling. For three years I stayed home with my little monkey, and I loved it. I will admit I had my moments of frustration, just like every mom, but I felt very lucky and blessed that I could stay home and bond with my son.

Then, at one point in my journey as a mother, all of my best-laid plans were, well, taken down a road a never knew existed.

I was a full-time mommy, working only part-time a few nights a weeks only a couple hours. The plan was we were going start TTC when Monkey was two. We started in January. Months went by, and nothing. About 10 months of trying, and I finally got that positive pg test. We were SO excited. At 12 weeks I went in for a screening and ultrasound. I quickly found out there was no fetus. I was on my way into a miscarriage. I was, to say the least, painfully shocked. I was pissed. I was scared. It had almost been an entire year of trying, and this wrench was thrown into the wheels of life. I remember, clearly, crying, praying, asking God exactly what the hell he was thinking. How? Why? I was pissed at him. REALLY pissed. And I told him if he had a plan for me, well, damn it, he better make it very clear to me because I wasn't going to play this game.

The next day I got the email.

It was an old colleague of mine who wanted to know if I was interested in a full-time position starting up a new program for a non-profit. Totally out of the blue. I looked at the business plan, saw it as an opportunity I could not pass up, and took that as my sign.

Long story short: I started an all-encompassing scholarship program that changed lives for the better. Pretty much on my own, with little guidance, but a lot of support. It grew. I watched the kids, MY kids, grow and change, accomplish things they never knew they could, and strive to be their best selves. And during that entire time we kept TTC. Failure, after failure. Month after month. I had my program, and some days, especially those days that I swore it was never going to happen, I found salvation in the program and the kids. They are the ones that kept me going. They still keep me going. When I feel down, when I feel frustrated, when I feel stuck, I look at their pictures and I find my motivation. If they can overcome, then so can I.

Of course, we started fertility treatments. Surgeries, medications. I was beginning to lose hope. A year and half more had gone by. We moved into a larger home. With more bedrooms. When we moved in I wanted to get rid of all of the baby stuff we had held onto for years. This was it. I was ready to accept that God did not want us to conceive, that my focus needed to be my son and my kids in the program.

Two weeks later I had a positive pg test. Again.

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Today I sit here writing this as I lay on my left side, trying to pretend I am enjoying bed rest at 36 weeks. I can't say this has been the easiest thing, being pg again (it's amazing how much a body can change in 4 years!), but I am feeling SO blessed and lucky right now.

It was a tough transition going from full-time mom to full-time working mom, and now I'm preparing myself to transition back from working mom to full-time mom (for at least a few months). I won't/can't go back to the program the way I was running it. It just won't allow me to be able to raise my own children the way I want them to be raised. Which makes this transition bitter-sweet. I already miss MY kids from the program, but I also know that I need to be with my children at home as much as possible. Adjusting to life without seeing them four days a week is going to be tough. But I know I'm also not just walking away (even though it feels like it). I'll continue to be in their lives, one way or another.

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So that's what this blog is about. The transitions that one mom finds herself in. Moving down the path the best way I know how, even if the path is not the one I planned on taking.